Update on "Worn Out"

Here I am feeling much less exhausted and more ready. I had a day where I felt like, is this worth it? It is hard to only take care of others and hold back on yourself because you just can't do their needs and your own too. Do I have to choose? It would be easier to just choose to take care of myself and ditch the whole family thing. It would be easier to hide from my weakness and find immediate happinesses that I can constantly control if I were alone. The consequences of those feelings are tempting and seem easier. Then I need to ask myself "Am I looking for easy?"
I'm not sure why I think our lives are supposed to be easy when I have those thoughts. In a lesson at church we were discussing endurance. I can take that idea two ways. I can choose to endure and take the hard road which means work and sacrifice, or I can take the easy road and only take care of myself. I don't want to just survive because that is not what endurance means. I've survived before and then noticed that I was actually enduring during those years of postpartum. I was in fact gradually moving forward and came out with amazing lessons that brought me joy. Everyone has their struggles and finding enough energy in the day to take care of myself along with my family is mine.
My husband gave me a priesthood blessing when I was at my low that day and that gave me hope. I prayed for forgiveness for my desires to take the easy road. My life is the same and my struggles are the same but something is different. I feel clear and alert, my weakness is an obstacle I have to work through and I feel like I have to keep experimenting with it to progress. My choice is also different then I originally thought. I can choose to take care of myself and my family, not just one. My family has sacrificed for me before and they will actually happily do it again. I will seek their council in how they can help me with my weakness to find the right balance. We are an eternal family and we are supposed to learn and grow together. Choosing to be alone is not part of Heavenly Father's plan. We need each other, as imperfect as we are.

Small Silly Feelings

I have been busy preparing for a family vacation. I noticed that many ticket prices are cheaper online and had made a couple ticket purchases last week and then felt uncomfortable buying the rest. I decided to check the websites for my final ticket purchases today. One place had updated their calendar and no longer was open on the day I was going to purchase tickets. Another place said to purchase tickets in person to get the sale price. Wow, I really thought I was being silly when I only bought half of my tickets last week. I followed my silly feeling on the whim that it didn't matter if I bought them now or later. At least I talked myself into following the feeling to wait.
I really think our Heavenly Father cares about us on every level, even when we buy tickets for a vacation.

Worn Out

After having pushed so hard to finish our home and get everyone settled in our normal routines, I realized how worn out I am. I know I have to be aware of the stresses of our lives and keep things simple but I still feel exhausted. I don't jump back into life and recover like I used to. I have been able to stay home and try to relax and it has been hard since my mind is busy but I just can't do what I'd like to do right now. My husband was exhausted but was able to recover and get back to his regular routine. It is hard to see life passing and hope that you aren't missing anything. One thing I learned from my postpartum was that sometimes we just have to wait. Here I am waiting again and it is okay, and honestly I am not missing anything. My adrenaline is there to push me through when I need it. I am able to support my husband and children in their activities but I am still figuring out how to do the things I want to do without exhausting myself. It is crazy how we figure out one aspect of our life and then we have to struggle to figure out another. I know how to wait but now I am figuring out how to balance the things I want to do and still take care of my family. It is a juggling act for me that doesn't end well when I am too tired. I feel the baby steps I am taking and I am glad. I know we are where we are supposed to be and I will just allow time to help me find the energy and balance I need to take care of myself. I feel comforted that I can just be tired right now.

Sold!

I was driving home on the freeway and had this intense feeling that we need to sell our car NOW! I was so anxious when I got home, that I got on ksl and craigslist and posted our vehicle that night and added pictures the next day (since I needed daylight). The next day a man called from our area and looked at it. It was very muddy on the inside and outside because of all the snow but that didn't stop him. He said he would buy it the next Monday, which was just a few days later and he did.
We had been looking at another vehicle with a diesel motor that could carry more people and we found one and purchased it all in the same week as our car selling. It is fascinating how quickly things can happen. Some answers are slow and this answer was fast! Sometimes I get confused and unsure if I am listening to the spirit correctly. Times like these say that I am doing it right and that helps me feel confident and grateful.

Christmas Present

My husband and I have been working nonstop to finish our house. 6 days a week we have been finishing the home step by step. We rewired, set new water pipe, moved walls, prepared for sheet rock, prepared the floor for tiling, tiled the floor, installed insulation, hired drywallers and carpet installers, placed doors, installed cabinets, hired counter top installers, grouted, placed outlets and switches and light fixtures, tiled the shower and tub, and all other necessary things to make a shell of a house a livable home. (I must mention that my husband did the bulk of the work and I was mostly a cheerleader.) It was exhausting and our children were so good to take care of themselves and our temporary space while I was gone.
We were mostly ready for the inspection and hoped he would allow a few details to slip through, like some of the floor needed grout and the shower was not complete yet. He was busy the whole week before Christmas and couldn't fit us in. He finally said he might make it on Monday, which was Christmas Eve. My family normally does their party that day and they moved it to the 23rd so we could enjoy the party with them, then we could be available all day on the 24th just in case. The inspector came and passed us, and we moved in that night.
We didn't even have beds for everyone, but the kids were so excited that sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor of their new room was magical. We had one couch and a double sized bed for us. We set up the Christmas tree the week before since we planned to open presents at our new house no matter what. It was a magical morning and we loved being in our very own home again! We were able to get the rest of our furniture the next week. The kids were glad since the magic was wearing off and the desire for a bed was increasing!
It was a great Christmas present for our family!

Our House Sold!

Our house sold! It is amazing since we have seen short sales take forever, 6months-1year, to complete. We received an offer in July and signed papers in September. In June we had tried to qualify for a program and didn't, but it required the bank to give us a mediator. Our realtor told us that it takes a long time to be assigned a mediator, which is why short sales take so long, and we already had one. We had everything we needed to finish the sale in the fastest time possible. AMAZING!
We had to pay $6,000 up front or get a $10,000 loan from the bank in order for them to forgive our short sale debt. We really didn't want to get another loan and so we collected all the money we had saved and even asked my parents if they would loan us a couple thousand so we could avoid the larger sum and loan. The timing of the sale and paycheck made it so we didn't have to borrow money and we could pay the $6,000 up front. We are relieved that we don't have to continue in debt and can be one hundred percent done with our old home. I also call this AMAZING! Translation: Blessed!
Now we are on to finishing our next home, which we hope will be completed by December.

How the Sermon on the Mount applies to me

This was my talk on the Sermon on the Mount. I want to share it because maybe it will help someone who struggles as an ordinary person like me. (June 10, 2012)

Once upon a time, there was a stay at home mom princess (my name Sara means princess). She had undergone 10 years of motherhood and 11 ½  yrs of wifehood. Many years, 9 to be close to exact, were spent under the dark cloud of postpartum depression. These dark years made it difficult for the princess to feel good and be happy and she was not the person she had known nor wanted to be. She struggled with being a good mom since she loved her children so much and this cloud made life just plain hard on everyone. Just ask the prince. :) Through this tough time, the princess was frustrated because she couldn’t see any good from this experience. She struggled to know how a quick temper and low tolerance could be any good for her family. Little did she know that the Lord had this in his plan. As a woman, she was an expert analyzer, and was able to see a transformation. A very difficult transformation in her. She was once a capable, talented woman who could do anything-and still can, but the need to allow others to take care of her and her family arose. The prince was a good husband but there was more he needed to do for her. He must do things for her that just didn’t make sense to him or her. Who knew they would need their already great relationship to adjust so dramatically. Maybe there is a reason they need this in the future.
Then there was the children. The princess had struggled more especially since children are great triggers of emotion. The relationship she had thought she needed with her children had to be changed as well. They needed to help in this process too because their mother was in need. Asking them to step up and help make mom happy was something the princess thought was too much to ask, but it wasn’t. They were delighted and pleased to be needed and given the responsibility to be patient with their princess mom. She asked for forgiveness and they were happy to give it each time times got tough.
The princess started sifting and prioritizing her family’s schedule and found simplicity was the best. In their already financially tight little world more could be taken out. Distractions were everywhere and then they started to be unnecessary and choices were made to keep away from them. She soon learned she must take care of herself too and has pulled in her family to help her since she was not very good at this. She has learned just enough to keep trying but is still trying to make that work well.
There came a time when the Lord saw fit that the dark cloud should be lifted. The princess knew that just because it was gone it didn’t mean everything would be perfect. She had to adjust to her new found life and knew it would take time and the same efforts she had learned while the cloud was there. The dark clouds effect was so deep that she has not forgotten and is grateful she will not forget because she knows those lessons are more set in stone.
Now, almost 2 years free from the dark cloud, along comes a billowing trial. Yes, her family must move. What once would have been a devastating experience is now met with faith, the giver of peace and bravery. Who knew a change in her handsome prince’s job would bring about an old home to finish to live in, the exasperating process to sell the home they loved and enjoyed at much less than is owed, and a change of neighbors and a new school for the children. How could the prince and princess handle living so far from the store and baseball practice?
In the princesses heart she knew it could be done. Peace was spoken to her heart, which she learned from her days in the dark cloud, and she reveled this to her children, which in turn felt the peace in their hearts. The prince was not at peace to sell a house he loved. Heavenly Father knows the prince and gradually allowed the prince to obtain that peace as well.
*How can trust develop that is so strong with confidence?
The princess recognized that in those trialing 9 years she and her family had begun a process. Direction and tools were given for this surely is only part of their progress. More will come and will need to build upon what has already been learned. They had made it through so much and had been consistent in reading their scriptures and praying and going to church, they knew they would continue to be helped as before.
What can a family suffering from postpartum depression gain? Yes the whole family suffered from it. Endurance, Trust in the Lord’s timing, forgiveness, patience and humility were all introduced among others.
The family learned they cannot do it alone. They were to help each other and reach out to find help from others. In turn, they wanted to help others too. They will continue to pick up additional tools in their journey to help them since they know Heavenly Father has a plan for them and he takes special care to give them each ingredient at the right time in the right way if they pay attention. The brilliance of this plan is that we need imperfect people to help us become perfect.
I know this is such a simple story and adding flowering words doesn’t change that. I just know that it is mine. If I simplify, I see how the Sermon on the Mount gradually works in my life. We started to build our foundation on a rock since we have gained some wisdom. My seminary teacher told us The Sermon on the Mount is “The Lord’s blueprint for perfection.” We can do it with the Lord’s help and guidance.

How do we hunger and thirst after righteousness, be meek, merciful, pure in heart, poor in spirit, be peacemakers, be persecuted for righteous sake? How can we be the salt of the earth, and a light of the world? Live the higher law? Fast correctly? Forgive, give good fruit? And everything else Christ talks about? There’s so much!
*I know we can with the spirit guiding us-We have to simplify and prioritize to allow ourselves the ability to hear the spirit.
*As a mom I hunger and thirst after righteousness, my every day life depends on it. Raising kids and being responsible for them is really hard. I needed the Lord’s help with every step. Being righteous means being the best parent I can be.

People keep asking me what am I going to do now that I have “nothing to do” with my kids in school next year. As I see it, I have plenty to do. Plenty of people are telling me how much I’m going to enjoy working at a job while my kids are in school. I know my answer is to simplify and for me a job is not simple. Through our financial crunch I know we will be happier with the smaller income and with me at home as a support.
I’m going to keep trying to get my home in order. I’m going to keep working to sift through the distractions and keep my priorities straight. I want to be completely available for my family and in tune with the spirit to help my children and husband. I want to be available to serve others and be thoughtful towards them.

More Reasons and Pushing

My husband gets attached to things sentimentally and loves our home we left. He really wanted to keep it to rent out so we could still keep it. I was feeling that it wasn't a great idea since I'm done being a landlord. He was planning to take care of being the landlord as I had done in the past so I figured he could deal with it if he wanted to keep it.
Since we moved, we have been at odds about the house because I was getting answers that it just wasn't simple to keep the house and I am into simplifying. My husband is one stubborn person when it comes to that deep sentimental emotion. I figured I couldn't win the battle but I put my two cents in and he listened a little. I told him we needed to go over our financial situation and then decide. After a couple of days, we got the financials out in the open and he was willing to do what it took to keep the house until... we realized we couldn't invest in the business if we kept it. We really couldn't do it all and we needed to make a choice. Let me rephrase that, HE needed to make a choice between the house and investing.
The house is on the market as we speak. It is valued at nothing, okay not nothing but a good seventy thousand less than what we owe. We get to do a short sale along with millions of others who bought when the market was high. Everything is falling into place. We qualify for programs and we have great support to make the process go smoothly. We don't know how quickly it will sell but I know it will happen when the time is right.
I know my husband and I know our Father in Heaven knows my husband too. We are individuals to Him. He is pushed gently to make choices he doesn't want to make. My husband moved first and then we were pushed to move with him, which made it so we weren't living there when we made the choice. It did make it easier to be away from it, and the basis of the decision was something else he felt strongly about. I know he is so blessed and cared about and is allowed to receive his own answers and peace.

I Know One Reason!

So, we got one reason why we should be together already! Both of our cars had problems to the extent that neither were drivable at the same time. The truck would not go into reverse and the car kept stalling every 100 feet.
Luckily my man is a mechanic and can fix or figure out what needs to be fixed. We knew the transmission needed more help on the truck so we took it to the place where we had it rebuilt a couple of years ago. They had it for a week and we got it back (with a large bill).
The car was complicated since its symptoms were odd but my husband ordered a new fuel pump and we were driving it the next week.
I can't even imagine being by myself, car-less, 20 miles away from a grocery store and the kids school. Since we moved, at least we had his work truck to drive to get the kids to the bus stop and me to the grocery store. I didn't have to stress by myself and have to figure out how to make everything work. I was already with my whole family and being without a car isn't such a crisis as it would have been.
All I can say is that I'm grateful that we allow ourselves to be pushed and shoved. I'm glad there's a plan that I can trust in, since my Heavenly Father knows just what I need when I need it.

When Push Comes to Shove

We moved. After being apart while I did the stuff for our family at home and my husband worked away from home 6 days a week consistently we were breaking down. Who wants to be away from the person you chose to be with?
I was coping poorly. I was happy, which was nice, but I became increasingly independent and individualized. I had to take care of so much by myself with no partner that I had to cope with pushing the idea that I could have help from my husband out of my head.  Red flags started going up when I was less and less upset with handling life without him, and then to finally just be indifferent if he even called me. I did NOT want this! I love needing my husband and talking to him!
We talked and vented the frustration of the situation when we decided to talk to the kids in the morning before school about moving. We just told them we were having a rough time being apart and thought it would be best if we were together even if it meant moving. The younger two were fine with it. The oldest, not as easy but the sweetness of wanting to help us out was wonderful. They said if it would help us then they would do it for us. We changed schools the next Monday and have felt happy since.
I really don't think we have a clue as to what we are really doing sometimes. Our lives are directed by the spirit in so many ways. We don't know where we need to be and why, but sometimes we just end up there. I know we are supposed to be right where we are. I know it because I feel so good about everything and everything has fallen into place without stress and no regret. It's SIMPLE. We want to be together and this is where my husband works so we might as well SIMPLY move to be together where the job is.

Simply Simplify

Since our decision to move in June, my husband has been spending more time sleeping over at the farm for work and I'm home for days without him. I support him working but it is hard to be the only one responsible for our home and the kids for so long.
I was having a terrible day while he was gone and the support system I had created for myself was crashing and I was struggling. My sister happened to call right then and asked how I was doing. I cried in frustration to her about my struggles. She listed things I should do and my answer was I couldn't because it wasn't available to me. Then she told me to go on a walk and talk to my Heavenly Father until I felt better or had an answer.
It must have been the coldest day that week, with a biting wind, but I did it. I talked and cried and prayed. Willing myself to go until I felt better and then my answer came. SIMPLIFY. Immediately my frustration was gone and I calmed down.
I'm not sure in detail how I should simplify but I know it is what I must do. I felt impressed to ask my mom and she had useful suggestions on how to cope with my husband gone. Some suggestions she gave didn't help with this situation but helped me reestablish my own decisions on what not to do and why.
I've had a couple weeks and still have not pinned down exactly what simplify means for me but I feel reassured that if it gets tough, then that word will reassure me and it has. I do make my current decisions based on simplifying so maybe that's it. I just KNOW I need to simplify and I TRUST that that is enough until I understand more later.

Moving Time

My husband and I were content to see how this year would go with living so far away from his work. As December came and new ideas came into our heads, we felt more and more impressed to move to the farm.
We have a home there for us but it is unfinished (just studs and electrical). We calculated our finances and decided we needed to start finishing the house so we could move by June. The kids would be out of school and have the summer to make friends before school starts again. We would be there for crop season to lesson our travel stress too. We want to be with my husband more!
My husband's brother has been generous and will let us stay in his basement as we work on the house over the weekends. He also said we could live there if it isn't quite done by June.
We are amazed at how quickly life can change and how much more able we are to be motivated when we have such sure answers.
Our oldest was quite upset by this move and we told her that we prayed about it, and we know we need to move to do what's best for our family. We told her that if it is difficult for her then she should pray about it and get her own answer. She is doing better now.

Battery Life

I went shopping with a friend and we made a stop at the post office. When we were ready to go my car wouldn't start. Before I even got out of my car, two people had noticed and were ready to help. Then more people were willing to help.
Jumper cables came out and we were on our way. Those generous people amaze me and I'm grateful. I truly believe the Lord works through other people.

New Stake Conference

Our ward was placed in a different stake so that stake could split in two. We gathered in a community building to fit everyone there. After the split we watched a broadcast for our stake conference and the man speaking said the stake we were joining was a "low maintenance, high yield stake." I'd like to be low maintenance, high yield...

Highlights I liked:
*Youth need parents who teach and live the gospel. Improve the quality of life in the home. Fathers have the priesthood to protect the home. Mothers support. It is more important to have these things than youth activities.
*Our most important responsibility is to live to have the spirit with us.
*To keep ourselves grounded we need to keep our eyes on the goal. If we look for frailties in humans, we will find it.
*Choose the higher ground of obedience
*Marriage is the highest order-Commitment-Make it work. All marriages have the same problems it is the commitment level that tells if it will last. It is the biggest test of fidelity. It gives us reason to soften our hearts, have a contrite spirit, be patient, be an example, be willing to change ourselves.
*Marriage is an anxious concern for our spouses well being.
     -speak in soft and kind voices
     -stay out of debt
     -parent as partners. work together in harmony
     -pray together
     -Divine Words- I LOVE YOU

9 Year Old Blessings

Our oldest is nine and that has been a HUGE blessing since she can babysit. We can go to the temple more and other dates. Not only is she nine but she is responsible and has learned with experience how to be a good babysitter. My husband and I are thrilled we have more opportunities to have one on one with each other.